One major dilemma that occurs
in any networking process is – ‘I
really need your help – but I don’t like you’! What do you do when
faced with a situation where you need to network with someone who you don’t
like? They might be a bigot; someone who left your sister up the aisle, or
scrounged drinks off you for the last 2 years. Maybe just being in the same room
as them brings you out in a cold sweat or you just yearn to tell them how you
really feel. But what happens when you discover that he or she has access to
someone else who can help you with a major problem at work or get the promotion
you are desperate for?
This situation can lead to a
great deal of tension. Tension for you as you worry about ‘do I’ or
‘don’t I’ decisions; tension for the other person because they are not
sure why you will not join their network; and tension between you because of the
undiscussibles that don’t get surfaced. One of the ways to reduce this tension
is to break the situation down to a series of options and choices as seen in Figure
3
The
decision tree tries to classify the choices that can be made when placed in such
a difficult state of affairs. When faced with the situation where you have
someone who you are not happy to work with, you have one of four options:
·
Need
to work with them -
1) Develop with Integrity – Often we might decide to work with someone that we don’t want to work with because it will help us to achieve certain personal goals. This is a common situation that we all face at different times. We meet the partner’s boss at a Christmas dinner and they turn out to be loud and offensive, but it is important to support our partner and so make the best of a bad situation. The difficulty comes in weighing up our personal value system. To what extent is doing something we don’t want to do against the value we place on being able to achieve something else that is important. There is no right way to make this decision, but in certain cases we might decide to subjugate our short values to achieve a longer-term goal.
2) Develop with purpose – Sometimes we really would sooner not work with someone but choose to put up with the situation because of a greater good. This might be a decision to undertake some charity work by working with a local prison to help coach the inmates who are about to be released. In doing this you might be faced with someone who you find morally offensive and who acts against everything you stand for. However, you decide to look at the greater good and work on the basis that your choice is designed to help the person change and only by working with them will you be able to help them develop in the long run.
§
Don’t need to work with them-
3) Decline with truth - In this case you decide that you are unable to network with the person and decide to tell them why. This is a difficult call to make because you have to know why you are making the undiscussible discussible. Are you telling them about your dislike because you want to dump your feelings or do you believe that there is an ethical reason why it is important so let them know why you cannot work together.
4)
Decline
with grace – With this choice you make the
decision not to work with the person but to not tell them the real reason for
the lack of engagement. Again, only you can make the choice, but sometimes there
is little benefit for either party in giving unsolicited feedback and it is
easier to withdraw from the relationship with grace and discretion.
(c) Mick Cope